Well Disco-Baby it has been five long months.  There have been extreme lows and highs.  There are things I wish I could do over so I could change them and things I wish I could to again so I could enjoy them more or take more photos(like when you went swimming for the first time).

I wish I could go back in time and not go to the hospital; I wish I had had more faith in myself.  I wish I had tried things at home to reposition you but I just didn't think you were in the wrong position.  It is only with hindsight that I can see you were probably facing the wrong way.  I wish I had of left the hospital when they said you were tolerating labour well and there was no abruption.  I wish I hadn't let them whisk you away for a dumb reason right after birth.  Not bonding with you was my biggest fear and I am left with lingering doubts, because I didn't get to spend time with your when you were born, and that first week you felt like property of the hospital.  Know that I didn't leave your side except when I had to.  The hardest moment of my life was leaving the hospital without you.  I think I lasted four hours before I was begging go back.  I think it was almost 6 hours by the time we made it back.

I wish I hadn't let them cow me in the hospital.  I wish I had of demanded to see the doctor to tell me what was in the IV before it was too late and they had you sooo hopped up on sugar and excess water that they lied and said your kidney's weren't working.  I can not tell you the panic when I thought you would need dialyses and a transplant or would possibly die.  I thought it was all my fault.

I wish I had told the to jump off a bridge when the kept telling me to give you formula because you "they" needed to keep your blood sugar at some unreasonable level after all the glucose.  I should have paid more attention to the poster about infant stomach size.  I should have listened to my heart.  But in all honestly I poured most of the formula on you, instead of getting it in you.  <lol> 

I wish at any point we had of left the hospital AMA, but when you are locked in, sleep deprived and your hormones are insane it is hard to do.  The stress affected our nursing relationship, I could not nurse under the stress; especially after they started weighing you before and after each feed.  When the doc said we could go home you took so much food.  I forget how much but it was a lot, whereas for the 20 hours before we could not get any in you from my breast and I cup fed you.  Our nursing relationship has never really recovered.  Your latch is only about 70%.  Nursing you isn't really enjoyable, and sometimes it is, while not painful, annoying in a nails on the chalkboard kind of way.

But you came home and I didn't have to put you down anymore, and I didn't let anyone near you.  I had trouble letting people hold you.  Your dad and I changed your diapers and your Dad gave you your first bath because I was too nervous.  I cut you fingernails, and your fingers (more than once).  The first time it seemed as if I had cut off a huge chuck and you would need stitches and have a scar for life.  I panicked; luckily your dad was there.  And speaking of scars, you still have scars on your legs from the socks, and I suspect you will have them for many many years, if not forever.  I am sorry, but honestly I do not see how I could see that coming.

You learned to hold you head up, when you were four days old.

You were a couple of weeks old and you had a diaper rash.  I was trying to leave you naked but you were sleeping and I needed to put you down so I tried to lay you in a quilt in a Knob Hill Basket, and you didn't fit.  Your head and butt were jammed into the ends and your legs stuck straight up.  What did you do to deserve such an awful mommy?

I know most of your early pictures show you in your swing, or lying down on your own.  I want you to know I held you almost constantly but I took 95% of all the photos and well I couldn't photograph you in my arms.

You learned to roll over really early, but I was always making excuses, saying it was because you were on an unlevel surface, or it was because of how I laid you down.  I didn't want to admit you were growing so fast.  You fell of the couch onto a piled up quilt and off the bed onto a quilt on top of a pile of laundry, at least you have good aim.

You have learned to sit up, your dad and I were proud and yet sad the first time you could sit in a shopping cart.  We are glad you are doing so well, but it is sad to see you grow up so quickly.  Once when you were about two months old you fell asleep while we were shopping and we laid you down in the child seat.  You were so cute.

At four months you weighed 20lbs and were too long for your infant seat.  We just bought you a new car seat but we couldn't install it.  We are trying to book an appointment for the police to do it, but it is taking forever.  See you got the worst parents ever.

Singing "Mnah Mnah" always stops you from crying.  I can not stand to hear you cry.  It makes me nauseous, and if it gets worse I can not think, my heart races and I can taste the adrenaline pumping through my veins.  I do not understand why other people think a baby crying is cute.  And to all the people who say it is the only exercise you get, they obviously never met you.  You held your head up from the 4^th day and you kick your legs constantly.  I always know when you are tired because it is the only time your arms aren't in the air reaching, grabbing, or just moving.

I have been away from you 5 times.  Three times I went to the park a block from our house without you, twice I left you with Grandma Steeves and once with Daddy.  I also let Daddy drive you in a separate car on a family trip.  The drive was only 20 minutes and it still almost killed me.  The first time I left you with grandma you were about a week old,  I made it halfway through the park and I was so sick I had to come back.  Grandma Pounder wants to take you away for weekends and weeks when you are older.  I can not see being apart from you that long ever.

Your eyes are such a beautiful light blue, but no one can tell if your hair will be blonde or red.  Everyone kinda wants you to have red hair but we will love you anyway.

Both your great-grandmas come and see you at least once a week.  I hope you get to know them well.  They are both great women in their own way. 

Your step-grandfather who we named you after was one of the greatest men that ever lived.  He was so happy; he would find joy in everything.  Every night he deeply enjoyed grandmas cooking no matter what she made.  He loved planes and cars and hockey.  He made friends with everyone he met.  He wanted to be the first person to hold you after you were born, and I was soo deeply crushed when we learned he would never meet you; he went downhill so quickly.  I got to spend a lot of time in the hospital with him, and for that I am glad.  I almost went to an OB just to get an ultrasound so he could see you before he died.  But I knew that was silly.  He wanted you to be a hockey player after he found out what we were going to call you.  He said your name would look perfect on the Stanley cup.  Your grandpa loved you more in those few months than most people love someone in their lifetime.  I am so sad you didn't meet him; I hope somehow you will be just like him.

The whole time I was pregnant I knew you would be a boy, even though I wouldn't admit it.  I also didn't want to admit it when I got pregnant.  I knew probably the first or second day after you were conceived.  I hated telling people I was pregnant and your daddy wanted to shout it from the rooftops.  Literally, I had to keep him off the roof.

If I ever guilt you about the morning sickness, or the four days of labour, or the stretch marks, or anything else that happened because I was pregnant.  Know that I am kidding, my first thought after I gave birth to you was that was awesome and I want to do it again.  I am, in some ways, sad that you will never be able to experience it, but I am sure it was indescribably amazing for your dad as well.  I am not a huge fan of being pregnant, only because I do not like being fussed over.  But I hope one day you will have lots of brothers and sisters.

You kick me, constantly, but I love you anyway.  I have been extremely tired lately because of a lot of things, staying up, stress, and your nap strike.  So in the morning I wake up and feed you and then pretend to go back to sleep hoping your dad will get up.  You roll over and kick him in the balls until he wakes up, then you smile.  Usually he closes his eyes again.  Then you roll over and dig your nails into my nipples.  I guess you are a morning person <lol> your parents are not.  Although you are usually only up for 30 to 60 minutes then you go down for a two hour nap, so maybe you hate the mornings as much as we do.

You love blankies, and sheets.  You think stuffed toys are just ok, and other toys hold your attention only briefly.  (Except the toys on your exersaucer those you love).  You also love spoons, and bake ware, the remote control, and pulling hair.  Today you started to enjoy being flung up above our heads.  Your giggles are so cute (although for the first week you would only giggle for Jane.  She calls you her boyfriend)

You love dogs, all dogs, but Kenny most of all.  All you want to do is get down and play with the dogs when we go to the dog park.  The other owners get upset when their dogs lick you, but you secretly love it.  You love to touch them and watch them.  You don't even mind when they sit on you.  Kenny isn't terribly fond of you, he generally avoids you.  But I am sure once you have food to share you two will become fast friends (and the poor guy is going to end up weighing 100lbs).

The girls across the street: Sierra and Sage (and probably Arden though it is too hard to tell, she is younger than you) love you dearly and you flirt horribly with them.  It is so cute.  Sage always runs over and says "Wes-el-lee, Wess-el-lee".  Her mom won't let her kiss you on the lips so sometimes she kisses your feet.  You probably think you are king of the universe.  There are lots of other kids around here.  I hope you have tonnes of friends.

Your dad and I always try to do what is best for you, but some decisions are very hard to make.  I hope you understand that we always wanted what was best, and that we love you and will love you always.

You've spent last week and a bit so frustrated that you can not crawl, can not keep your foot in your mouth and can not always get your hands to do what you want.  Here is hoping in the next month you learn to crawl.  I can't wait until you can talk and tell me what you are thinking (though I am sure sometimes I will wish you had never learned).  We just borrowed a jolly jumper, I hope you like it.  It is monthiversary present, I guess.

I will love you always.  Happy Monthiversary.